There are moments that literally stop me cold and I get lost in a thought or a moment of what used to be. I'm sometimes successful at pulling myself out of the rubble and other times it takes me awhile longer to climb out.
These moments could be brought on by a song on the radio. Or by a bad day/week/month and thinking and over-thinking it because that's what I do. They are brought on with my interactions with friends, family, and Liv.
It can start out as a memory...a great memory with Shannon, that I think about so hard and in that moment, I really think if I pick up my phone and call her...she will answer.
Or it can be something that I'm dealing with and I wonder what she would think about how I responded to the situation and what she thought I should do.
It's a strange thing to deal with...all the debris that is left over after the death of somebody who meant so much to you. I'm not the only person that is damaged and in need of repair. I find comfort with some people and lose it with others. It's not that I judge the way they deal...I just can't cope that way and therefore remove myself from the hurt.
Everyone deals with death differently. There is no right or wrong, no black or white solution...there is just pure survival.
The funny thing about debris is that it inflicts a lot of pain. There was a lot of damage done and many scars that are so fresh it's hard to forget. Denial is a strong tool for survival, but when does it catch up with you? When you leave pain untreated, how long does it take to infect you?
I am by no way saying that I am never happy. I am, and I think about Shannon during good times as well...I would just like to know...When does it get better? I want to be able to reminisce without being swallowed back into the ruins.
I had a rough night last night too for some reason...miss you lots. Call me when you're free :) Love you
ReplyDeletei believe that denial allows grief to enter in waves, as longs as we let it in. giving us only as much as we can handle at any given time. i know it is different for everyone but for me i try to find a place to put it. whether it be by letting myself cry on the ride to work some mornings, asking her to be with me in the difficult everyday moments of my life, seeing you tara and dani, trying to find ways to honor her memory, telling her story of resilience to the children i work with who have found themselves in similar circumstances, and telling myself that each day in its passing i am one more closer to being with her again. it doesn't ever make me stop wishing for her but it does make me feel that i can think of her and still breathe. xoxo
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ReplyDeleteWell put Jenna.
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