a year later

It's been a year since Shannon was taken from the world.

This morning last year I had woken up after four hours of sleep, brought liv in my bed and was skyping with my mom. I remember saying to her that I felt like I couldn't get to Shannon and I would never see her alive again. My parents tried reassuring me that Shannon would be alright. Minutes later, my sister called to tell me that Shannon was declared brain dead. I'll never forget that moment. The pain and tears...I've never felt anything like it. It was a surreal moment. I told Dani to make sure to tell Shannon how much Liv and I love her. I'll never forgive myself for not being there to say goodbye myself, but I'm grateful my sister was there to tell her.

I've learned a lot this year.

I've learned how capable people are with dealing with what they're dealt. My world stopped Nov. 6th 2010. I know a lot of people who had their world's stop, it took some of us longer to get it going again, and we all did. We still feel the pain every day, it never goes away...but you learn how to deal with it, to manage it.

I've learned to never take any friends for granted. To take the extra effort even if the other person isn't willing to do so for you. I can only pray that Shannon knew just how important she was to me. It's hard not to wonder if she did.

I've learned empathy. You have to put yourself in another person's shoes to be able to understand why they do or feel a certain way.

I've learned how I may come off as slightly emotionally retarded and maybe I am. It may sound funny, but I have issues letting my emotions all out there. I have a hard time expressing exactly how I feel and sometimes say things I don't necessarily mean. I don't however think I'm wrong to not vomit all over facebook. No, I will not be writing on my best friend's facebook wall, because she won't see it and I can talk to her whenever I want. I don't feel the need to prove to anybody how I feel about Shannon.

I've learned a love/hate relationship with "If I Die Young" by the band perry. It's beautiful, but when it strikes every chord in your dwindling heart strings, its hard not to hate the reminder of everything lost. Speaking of songs...I've also learned that I can make a lot of songs relate to how I'm feeling at the moment. Even if my meaning isn't the same as the intended meaning.

I've learned that I will never take another bath in peace. Shannon used to tell me how gross she thought baths were. Her opinion was that you were basically sitting in your own filth. She didn't understand how you could wash your butt while sitting on it. I tried to explain to her that you simply lift up your butt cheek, but she wasn't convinced. I love baths and I cannot for the life of me take a bath without thinking Shannon is shaking her head at me.

With everything I've learned, I haven't learned how to not think about Shannon every.single.day. I'm not sure that I would want to learn that. Sometimes I think about her so much that I forget that she's gone...like I could reach over, grab my phone, and call her. I would give anything to have another conversation with her.

A year later, I just hope that Shannon is proud to call me her friend. I hope that I've done everything she has wanted me to do and acted the way she would have wanted me to act. Its been a hard year. Life will never be quite the same. I know she is looking out for us though.

{I love you my little lizard toes ~ Love your little cheerio}

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