judge me

Do you ever feel like you are being judged?

For example, if I'm out in public, I feel overly aware of how I'm reacting to Liv. Such as, she's throwing a tantrum on the floor, do I do what I want to do, which is walk away from her and leave her there (in the aisle, not the store...obviously) or will people look at me and think "well she could have handled that a bit better".

Its not so much that I care what people think, because I know I'm a good mom, but it angers me that someone thinks they could do a better job. Especially if you aren't a mom or dad. If you have never woke up in the middle of the night (multiple times), been pee'd and pooped on, rocked and cradled a baby, watched them grow and learn, loved someone so much that you couldn't live without them, If you have never been the most important person in the world to someone, someone that calls you mama (or dada) and is the most loveable, frustrating and beautiful person you'll ever know...then shut it.

Please, go be the best parent you can be, when you are a parent...I'm sure you'll be better than the rest of us. If only we could take a peek into our future and see all the things that we thought mattered that didn't matter much at all in the end.

I'll never look at a child again and think "well her mother didn't put much thought into what her child was wearing" or "poor kids, her mom didn't wash her face", because now I think "It's amazing that she got the child out of the house, through the grocery store and the child is still smiling". Being a parent really changes your perspective on things.

xmas pictures

Liv and I had a photo shoot today. We haven't had once since she was a year old (with just us), and I know why now. I had to use bribery...usually my dancing, voice, funny faces work. Oh well, candy is much more exciting these days.

I took the pictures in my room, thinking the window would be enough light...it wasn't, so I broke out the 'ol light scoop. It actually worked out really well. I was surprised. I did a little editing, but then sent them on over to the master (Dani). Not quite sure what we will do with them. They are christmas inspired, so I think Dani will create us a christmas card. If you want to check out my sister's work, you can go to her website: Tutte Belle Photography. Pictures of Liv are scattered all over :).

Here's our photoshoot.

edited by Dani

couldn't forget Lily

edited by Dani

Extracurricular

Liv is quite the busy bee lately. She has been in dance class for a few months now. Her Grandma Carolyn brings her. It's once a week, and It started off a little rocky because what two year old likes to be told what to do, but it's getting better. Liv really enjoys it. She loves music and dancing so it's right up her alley.

Liv has really gotten into swimming lately too. Pat and Carolyn have both brought her swimming a handful of times and Liv says "I a mermaid now". So this Monday I signed her up for a parent & tot swim. Liv was a bit weary about it at first. We spent a lot of time in water that was over her head, but I think just like dance, she will get more comfortable as time goes.

I think its important to introduce your children to as many activities as you can. Whether it be organized or simply in your backyard. I enjoy liv being in an organized setting because, as of now, she is at home with me every day. So, its good for her to be around other kids and to follow directions given by someone other than her mom.

My parents put me in every activity imaginable. I was in ballet, jazz, hip hop (thats a story for another time, it involves daisy dukes and wedgie picking), gymnastics, softball...the list goes on. My mom was really rooting for gymnastics because she was a gymnast. Sadly though, It was not our forte.

Along came Fifth Grade and basketball. I started and never looked back. Track was also a favorite of mine. I played throughout Grade School, Middle School, and High School. I don't have a preference of what Liv does, but in my experience, sports kept me focused and on a good path. I wasn't a drinker, never went to parties, and I can only hope that my daughter takes after me a little bit.

I get teased because I was sort of a geek, seeing I didn't have a drink of alcohol until I was 18, but having a daughter now...I want that for her. Don't get me wrong, I had my fun in college...maybe too much at times, but I want my daughter to hold onto her childhood as long as possible.

So. Whether it be dance, choir, drama, team sports, individual sports, chess, or god forbid hockey (pat is crossing his fingers), I just want her to find something she loves and throw her heart into it.

Who knows, maybe she'll be a model? ;) Your future is bright my dear.

sunday update

Ashley left today. For those of you who don't know Ashley, she has been one of my best friends since middle school. She met her fiance in the Sault (our hometown) and moved to Edmonton, which is 3 hours North of Calgary. Isn't it ironic that she met a good 'ol Canadian boy and moved to Canada also?

Lucky me though, because she just spent 4 days with us! We had fun. A lot of mellow "old lady" fun, but thats our style. We did some crafting, thrifting, cooking, and visiting....lots of visiting. 

My sister told me today that my mom called her and said "Did you know that Ashley and Desi spent their Saturday night crafting?". You know it's bad when your mom is making fun of you :). I assure you we had some wine with our crafts, because if anything is better than crafting, it's crafting when you are drinking wine.

We did have one small glitch in our Saturday night though. Her name is Liv. It took me 2 hours to put her to bed. I'm not sure what was up with her, but it was a struggle. She usually stays in her bed when I put her there and doesn't come out. Not last night though, she was on her worst bedtime behavior for Ashley. She tried to pull it on me again tonight but I nipped it in the bud right away. 

I'll be flying solo this week with Liv because Pat had to go out of town for work and will be gone for around a week. Not exactly sure how long yet. My goal is to keep us busy. I'm going to try to sign Liv up for swim class tomorrow so that should start our week off right.

Our last activity with Ashley was the coldest walk I've been on in a long time...but I have some pictures to share. I'll call this compilation: Liv and Lily, a Love/Hate Relationship.

"What da matter?"

It is no secret around these parts that I have my hands full. Liv is a full-time job. She is a busy, opinionated, and if I'm going to quote The Happiest Toddler on The Block, she is categorized under "spirited". Yes I have one of those.

I love her more than anything. Even when she tries my patience to no end, which she does often and multiple times a day.

I worry that I'm not doing the right things and that she'll grow up basically running my show. I waver on time-outs because she badly needs one, but ohmygawd she won't stay in time-out, and she's screaming her head off...yes she said she was sorry, but did she really get the point I was trying to make.

I don't want her to be a robot, my highest hopes for her are that she is well-rounded, empathetic, ambitious with whatever her dream may be, and just an all around nice person.

I worry about these things every day and then she does something that stops me in my tracks and makes me think that it's going to be alright.

The other day, actually the day we went horseback riding, I was quickly changing and getting ready in the small bathroom that is our Master Bathroom. I was throwing a little make-up on so we could get out the door to our pumpkin carving party and in walks Liv. This is normal...she usually walks in the bathroom with me and terrorizes me or Lily. This time was different though, she walked in, looked at me and said "what da matter mama?". I was completely dumbfounded because there was absolutely nothing wrong and I chuckled a little and responded "nothings the matter Liv". She then shut the door, so we could have a little privacy obviously ::side eye::, and repeated "tell me what da matter". This statement was more like her because the first was phrased as a question and the second round-about was a demand. I don't know made her think something was wrong, but I simply gave her a hug and said "nothing is the matter Liv, I'm just getting ready to go carve pumpkins".

She went on her way, but it might have been one of the sweetest things she's ever said to me. Not that I need to be comforted by my child, but the fact that she wanted to talk to me if I was and was concerned. It makes all my worries go away. She'll be a nice person and she'll care about others, I just need to set my worries aside and let Liv be Liv.

a year later

It's been a year since Shannon was taken from the world.

This morning last year I had woken up after four hours of sleep, brought liv in my bed and was skyping with my mom. I remember saying to her that I felt like I couldn't get to Shannon and I would never see her alive again. My parents tried reassuring me that Shannon would be alright. Minutes later, my sister called to tell me that Shannon was declared brain dead. I'll never forget that moment. The pain and tears...I've never felt anything like it. It was a surreal moment. I told Dani to make sure to tell Shannon how much Liv and I love her. I'll never forgive myself for not being there to say goodbye myself, but I'm grateful my sister was there to tell her.

I've learned a lot this year.

I've learned how capable people are with dealing with what they're dealt. My world stopped Nov. 6th 2010. I know a lot of people who had their world's stop, it took some of us longer to get it going again, and we all did. We still feel the pain every day, it never goes away...but you learn how to deal with it, to manage it.

I've learned to never take any friends for granted. To take the extra effort even if the other person isn't willing to do so for you. I can only pray that Shannon knew just how important she was to me. It's hard not to wonder if she did.

I've learned empathy. You have to put yourself in another person's shoes to be able to understand why they do or feel a certain way.

I've learned how I may come off as slightly emotionally retarded and maybe I am. It may sound funny, but I have issues letting my emotions all out there. I have a hard time expressing exactly how I feel and sometimes say things I don't necessarily mean. I don't however think I'm wrong to not vomit all over facebook. No, I will not be writing on my best friend's facebook wall, because she won't see it and I can talk to her whenever I want. I don't feel the need to prove to anybody how I feel about Shannon.

I've learned a love/hate relationship with "If I Die Young" by the band perry. It's beautiful, but when it strikes every chord in your dwindling heart strings, its hard not to hate the reminder of everything lost. Speaking of songs...I've also learned that I can make a lot of songs relate to how I'm feeling at the moment. Even if my meaning isn't the same as the intended meaning.

I've learned that I will never take another bath in peace. Shannon used to tell me how gross she thought baths were. Her opinion was that you were basically sitting in your own filth. She didn't understand how you could wash your butt while sitting on it. I tried to explain to her that you simply lift up your butt cheek, but she wasn't convinced. I love baths and I cannot for the life of me take a bath without thinking Shannon is shaking her head at me.

With everything I've learned, I haven't learned how to not think about Shannon every.single.day. I'm not sure that I would want to learn that. Sometimes I think about her so much that I forget that she's gone...like I could reach over, grab my phone, and call her. I would give anything to have another conversation with her.

A year later, I just hope that Shannon is proud to call me her friend. I hope that I've done everything she has wanted me to do and acted the way she would have wanted me to act. Its been a hard year. Life will never be quite the same. I know she is looking out for us though.

{I love you my little lizard toes ~ Love your little cheerio}

Add caption

Her last day...

Today was the last day of my best friend. 

The feeling is so fresh and I'd like to go back to last year and be blissfully unaware of what awaits. If I did that I would have called her up to tell her how much I love her and how special she is to me. 

However, I wouldn't want to go through the acute pain of losing her again. It was consuming and heartbreaking. For everyone and more for some. A lot of people built their lives around her and it all came crashing down this evening last year. We are all still building our lives back. They will never be what they were, but they will be better because she was a part of them.

I will be celebrating her life tonight. I'll remember how special she made my life and how I'll never forget her. I might cry a little, but I'll be toasting to Shannon tonight.

getting my craft on

I have been inspired by what else, pinterest. I've spent many of liv's naps painting, cutting, glueing, and sewing.

Here are some of my crafts and the links to where I saw them on pinterest.

I got my idea from Here. I free handed the picture onto scrapbook paper then cut it out with an exacto knife. This is actually the cut-out from my homemade stencil. I used spray adhesive to attach it and then used a clear gloss spray paint to seal it.

This is the actual stencil...as you can see, not as perfect, but that's ok. The background color is supposed to be grey, but as you can see it looks like a very pale blue. I plan on putting some hooks on the bottom to hold our keys. Here is where I found that idea.

Here is some more handmade canvases...I might change the yellow striped one, not sure if it goes or not. Here is where I got the idea for the doilies....although mine is not the same, it did inspire me though.

I made this to hold Liv's bows. I didn't find this on pinterest, but a lot of fellow bloggers have made or ordered similar things. This was a mirror that I thrifted. I knocked the mirror out and attached the ribbon with my trusty hot glue gun. It took me more time to actually put the bows on the ribbon :).

And for fun Liv and I made a turkey out of a cut out of her hand. She was more interested in throwing the felt around but she still enjoyed herself. I stole this idea from Emily. She did a tutorial on her blog. Here is the link.

toddler beds

Oh the adventures of toddler beds. Let me set the scene: It's around 2 o'clock pm. I put liv down for her nap sometime after 1pm. I had heard her playing in there, which is the usual now, but it had been quiet for some time. I thought I'd go check to see that she was ::fingers crossed:: sleeping.

I opened the door and immediately looked on her bed, hmmm, no liv. A quick scan of her floor told me she wasn't there either. I could see Liv's closet light under the door. I slowly creaked the closet door open and this is what I saw.

I questioned her sanity when she chose the floor over her bed, but at least she thought ahead and brought the essentials. Pillow, 2 "kikis", and seahorse. She continued to sleep in here for 2 and a half hours!!!!! really....I had to go wake her up.

Ready

I am SO ready to open my mailbox and find my work permit inside. It would be the best Thanksgiving (american thanksgiving)/Christmas/oh you know anytime present EVER.

It has been 10 months since I sent in my application and we were so naive with our expectations. Our expected timeline is quite laughable now.

I feel very lucky that I have been able to stay home with Liv and watch her grow and do new things every day. It's a blessing to be able to do that. I am sure I will miss it, but...and this is a big but...I need to work. I need more adult interaction. I need to meet some friends.

I have been living in calgary for about a year and a half. I have met people through my MIL and SIL, but nobody by myself. I definitely need to take some of the blame because I can be antisocial. I avoid mommy groups because the thought of bringing my not always well-behaved two year old to a group full of moms that don't know us scares me. I should have been more outgoing, but I wasn't. So, here I am on the verge of my new beginning. I'm excited to have a new opportunity.

I used to always tease Pat in University that my goal in life was to make more money than him...and now I just want a job ha! How times change.

Liv Lately

Despite the terrible two's, because they are definitely live and and well in our household, Liv is still so much fun. I was just talking to my SIL about how I am afraid to have another baby, not just because I'm afraid of the baby stage, because I am, but I also will be the most impatient mother ever knowing the little personalities they develop and how much fun they become :). It might also have to do with the fact that I wouldn't just have a little baby to cuddle with, but also a demanding toddler.

Liv is hilarious though. She says the funniest things. Sunday I went into our little bathroom in our room to change and throw on some make-up and she followed me in there, shut the door and said "mama, what da matter?". I looked at her and laughed then said "nothings the matter Liv" and she continued on with "tell me what da matter?". Haha, there was absolutely nothing wrong, but it was so cute and thoughtful that she felt the need to come ask. I don't get to see that side of her every day.

Pat recently got an ipad for work.....and I have to hide it. If it sat out all day, Liv would want to play with her the "pie-pad" all day. She also is really into her mega blocks and building castles, which of course is followed by her stuffing all of her princesses inside. She loves to color and collect "monies" from here dad and I to put her in purse while dressed up in all her princess clothes, including the shoes. Oh, and lets not forget singing and dancing, because she probably dances and around 50% of our day. I have a video of her dancing to Justin Bieber...need to upload it. She still loves her some "baby" by the Biebs.

Changes that have been happening lately? We have lots of them. Potty training for one. It's going pretty well. She still wears pull-ups the majority of the time, but requests to wear her "panties" in the mornings and afternoons and will let us know when she has to potty. She has had a lot of little accidents where she pee's a little and catches herself and asks to sit on the potty. Pooping on the potty is verryy few and far between. I swear she waits for us to put a pull-up on her so she can poop in it.

We also switched her into a toddler bed when we moved. So, she had 3 nights in it and then we went to the States for 3 weeks. I was a bit afraid because before we left I was lying with her to fall asleep. She was afraid and we were trying something new in a new place so I was feeling guilty. However, I've corrected that situation. Let me correct myself, at nighttime Liv will go to sleep in her bed no problem. During the day she gets out and plays...which turns in to me hoping she'll eventually fall asleep and having to bring her in our room and lie in our bed with her. I'm not quite sure what to do with the nap thing, so suggestions would be appreciated.

I have some photos from Sunday when we went to a friend's farm and rode horses! Liv was supposed to be riding with her dad, because I had never really ridden a horse...but ah the terrible two's. She threw an absolute fit and was scaring the horse, soooo she ended up with me.

feeding the horsies grass.